It’s never pleasant to find out that your spouse has been talking bad about you behind your back. Even if it’s just venting to a friend or family member, it can feel like a betrayal. And, rightfully so!
On the one hand, you want to trust that the person you love is being honest with you and has the best opinion of you. But on the other hand, you can’t help but wonder what they’re really thinking and if that’s truly how they feel about you.
So which one is it? And what can you do if you get wind of what they’ve been saying behind your back?
5 steps to follow if your spouse spoke of you behind your back:
1- Communicate with your spouse:
If you’re feeling hurt and betrayed, it’s important to communicate with your spouse about how you’re feeling. Otherwise, the resentment can build up and poison your relationship. Try to approach the conversation calmly and honestly, without accusing them of anything.
If you’re feeling worried or insecure, it’s important to talk to your spouse about it. They may not realize how much their words have affected you. If they’re feeling sorry for you and apologetic, they’ll likely be more careful in the future.
In any case, open communication is the key to a healthy relationship. By talking about your feelings, you can build trust again, if that’s what you want to do, between you and your spouse.
2- Explain how it affected trust between you:
If your spouse talks bad about you behind your back, it can definitely affect the trust between you. It can make you feel like you can’t trust them to have your back, and that they’re just looking for ways to tear you down.
This can lead to a lot of tension and conflict in your relationship, and can even make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells around your partner. Or, it will make you feel like you have a spy under your roof and that your every move will be judged and reported to outsiders.
If this is something that’s happening in your relationship, it’s important to talk about it with your partner. Explain how their words have affected your ability to trust them and see if there’s anything they can do to fix this unfortunate event. Otherwise, it might be time to reconsider whether this is a relationship that’s worth staying in.
3- Decide what you want to do about it:
If your spouse is talking bad about you behind your back, it’s important to decide if you want to stay or leave the relationship. For many people having their spouse or partner betray their trust in this way, is a big deal-breaker.
If you decide to stay, you need to decide if your partner should do something to make up for their behavior. If you decide to leave, do it for the right reasons and don’t look back.
In any case, if you’re gonna give them a second chance, make sure this type of behavior doesn’t happen again. So ask them to please refrain from talking bad about you behind your back in the future. If they’re truly sorry, they’ll be willing to listen to your concerns and make amends.
4- Provide a safe environment for them to vent to you rather than others:
If you’re going to stay in a relationship with your spouse, you need to provide a safe environment for communication. This means that if they want to vent to you about something, you should listen without judgment.
This way, if they start talking bad about you behind your back, it will be unforgivable and they will have no valid reasons for doing such a thing. For this reason, it is important to encourage your spouse to talk to you directly if they have any concerns.
Judging or criticizing their thoughts less, and listening more, can help to build trust and understanding between you. If your spouse feels able to talk openly with you about their feelings, it may help to prevent them from talking bad about you behind your back in the future. Also if you take what they tell you and their needs seriously and make an effort to better yourself for them, then they will have no reason to mock you to others or speak ill of you.
Talking badly of you behind your back is the kind of gossip that is poisonous to a relationship and it’s not something that you can ignore. Again, if your spouse can’t respect you enough to keep their negative comments to themselves or give them to you instead, then it’s time to rethink your relationship.
5- Reflect on their reasons for acting as they did:
In the end, you can’t let this go without thinking much about their reason for it. So why did they do it? Maybe they actually truly feel like they can’t tell you what they’re really thinking or they’re afraid of how you might react. Or maybe they’re just being a hypocrite. After all, if they’re unhappy with you, why are they still sharing the same bed and being secretive about their negative feelings toward you?
In the end, it’s important to remember that they might have a strong reason for why they did what they did. And, whatever the reason is it cannot be a good one. Maybe they wanted to get close to someone and gain their favors or even start an affair with them, by using you as a scapegoat.
So they try to play the victim card and say that they’re suffering in their marriage because of you, which implies that you’re horrible and that they’re a victim too. In this case, they might have thought that saying something bad about you will show that they’re not really in love with you, and then make the person think they’re emotionally available, despite having a ring on their finger.
Or the only other real and possible reason for this is if they actually truly thought every word they said about you and they were just venting. As you can see, all scenarios are bad so like we said think and reflect on their true motive and you’ll end up making the right choice.