It’s not hard to understand why we sometimes get jealous of our partner’s past relationships. After all, some people can’t help but compare themselves to the people their partners have been with before. And if they find that they don’t measure up in some way, it’s only natural that they’ll feel a twinge of envy. Or worse; other people cannot help but self-inflict themselves with the pain of visualizing and imagining their current partner laughing and being so happy in the arms of one of their ex-partners.
After all, this imaginary scenario wasn’t so imaginary a few weeks or months ago. It has been true in the past and was a fact of life in a different timeline. So it is accurate to think that only time separates your partner from the arms and embrace of someone else and this thought alone can drive many people mad.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with feeling a little jealous from time to time. But if it starts to consume you and you can’t stop thinking about your partner’s past dating life before you two met or their past partners; then it’s a red flag. In this case, here are a few steps that you can try to follow and see if it helps you cope better with your jealous thoughts.
4 steps if you’re feeling jealous of your boyfriend’s past:
1. Try to find the reasons behind such feelings:
If you really cannot stop thinking about your partner’s intimate history or the life they shared previously with their past romantic partners then you’ll have to stop and ask yourself why. It might be worth considering why you’re feeling that way if it becomes something that bothers you a lot.
The point here is that if you’re usually not this jealous and you’re suddenly having these thoughts then there are a few possible explanations and you should look for the right one. Are you insecure in your relationship? Do you feel like your partner is still holding on to their ex? If so, it might be time to have a talk. Only by communicating openly can we hope to overcome our jealousy and build a strong, healthy relationship.
So think carefully and find the reason for your toxic thoughts so you can know how to tackle the problem in the most appropriate way. All it could be is that you’re afraid of being hurt again if one of your own past partners cheated on you with an ex. Another possibility is that you’re subconsciously trying to test your partner to see if they’re really as committed to you as they claim to be. By constantly bringing up their past, you’re giving them a chance to say that you’re the best they ever had or to imply it at least and that you don’t compare to others. If this is what you need then you could only be after reassurance.
2. Focus on the silver lining:
Maybe you don’t just catch yourself being a little jealous of those who came before you but you also give yourself reasons to feel worse and worse. This could be achieved by thinking over and over again about what your partner must’ve shared with their past partners and how much in love they must’ve been. If you’re doing this, you’re focusing on the negatives! It’s true that your partner’s exes got to experience a younger version of him or her but that’s all long gone and buried in the past.
Perhaps you even think that your partner’s exes experienced a version of your partner that you’ll never have access to, which can be heartbreaking. Perhaps back then your partner had fewer responsibilities and was happier or even more positive or maybe they saw everything as new and exciting. Also, you know for a fact that they got to share intimate moments and create memories with that person that they may still keep secretly. So what’s not to be jealous of? We’ll tell you!
Regardless of what you tell yourself and how much it bothers you to think about your partner’s past remember that you don’t want to trade places with your partner’s ex. They’re in the past rather than in your partner’s life today! So no matter what your partner and their exes shared together and how many great memories they made, there’s no denying that all of it was still not enough to make them stay together.
Plus, they may have had a mediocre, younger, naive, irresponsible, and immature version of your partner but that’s a different person from who your partner is today! Time changes people and if you think your partner is a great person then maybe they were very different a few months or years back. If you love your partner so much that you even get jealous thinking about their past relationships; chances are they’re a great partner!
So let us tell you that the experiences, and heartbreaks they went through and what they learned is what made them the person that you love being with and cherish today! But, maybe if you time-traveled and met them in the past you’ll be surprised to see how much of a different person they were!
3. Understand that any spouse you’d have, would’ve dated people before you:
Whatever the reason why you feel the way that you do, self-sabotaging our relationships by blaming our partners for their past relationships is rarely productive. It’s important to remember that nobody would just sit on a rock and vow not to date anyone until their spouse shows up. In that case, how would they even know when their future spouse comes into their life? If your partner never gave anyone the chance to date them then how would they have dated you and fallen for you in the first place?
If you’re a fan of arranged marriages and would rather meet your future spouse through older people to ensure they never dated anyone before you; then good for you. But, even in that case, how can you verify for sure that your spouse never dated anyone at all before?
Plus if you’re just going to go for any random person that a bunch of old people selects for you anyway; then keep in mind that there’s nothing so special about your love story. In fact, it’s safe to say that you have none. This means that your spouse could’ve literally been anyone because you didn’t select them specifically based on your own preferences and likes. Instead, you’ve let other people do that for you and they could’ve selected any random person at all.
And, in this case, getting extremely jealous over your partner’s past is funny in itself because caring so much about your partner’s past and more than you care about who your partner is in the first place is just illogical. People get jealous because they fall in love with a person they selected themselves and created a bond with. Nobody has so much energy to get jealous again and again over literally any random person that was picked for them by others. It’s nonsense.
4. Be careful not to sabotage your relationship because of irrelevant thoughts:
In the end, if you want your relationship to succeed, focus on rebuilding trust and communication, and let your partner off the hook. It’s not like your partner did anything wrong anyway while with you, so try and give them the benefit of the doubt. It’s true that it can be natural to feel a little bit jealous if your partner talks often about their exes, but if that’s the case then you’ll have to investigate why your partner is acting this way in the first place. In the meantime, you can still tell them that you’re not interested in learning about their past little adventures with other people and they will hopefully understand.
It’s important to remember that your partner’s past relationships are mistakes and failed attempts at building something real and meaningful. So if you truly care about your partner try not to sabotage what you two have and which still has the chance to become something everlasting and meaningful. Obsessing over what could have been if your partner stayed with this ex or the other is only going to leave an unnecessary bitter taste in your mouth since that wasn’t your partner’s choice in the end anyway.
And, even if your partner wasn’t the one to break up with a specific ex and would’ve wanted to stay with them if they let them, you shouldn’t think they still care or love that person. Obviously, you can see clearly that your partner has moved on and gotten into a relationship with you regardless of any feelings they might have had for any of their exes. And, if this means anything it means that they willingly chose to look for something fresh, better, and more meaningful rather than pursue one of their exes.
In other words, the reason your partner isn’t still chasing after one of their exes is that they stopped caring about all of them. So, try to focus on the things that make your relationship unique and special, and don’t let old flames burn you up with jealousy.