Asexuality refers to the lack of sexual attraction to other people. When someone is asexual, they have little to no desire for sexual activity because they don’t find people sexually attractive. Asexuality exists on a wide spectrum, so everyone experiences it a little bit differently.
At the end of the day, when someone is asexual it means they are not interested in sex. If you’ve discovered your boyfriend is asexual and you’re not, it can be difficult to make sense of it at first and figure out how to deal with it.
Today, we will provide a few tips that will help you. It’s important to understand asexuality is not a choice, it’s a sexual orientation, so it’s nothing personal.
Having an asexual partner when you’re not, can complicate things a little bit, but it’s not impossible to have a healthy and happy relationship. After all, relationships are about people coming together despite their differences and finding a middle ground through teamwork and love.
What to do If my boyfriend is asexual?
1- Accept and Understand Your partner’s Asexuality:
Acceptance of your boyfriend’s asexuality is the first step in the process of having a romantic and happy relationship. Though asexuality can be difficult to grasp at the beginning, educating yourself on the matter is key to understanding it.
Education will allow you to accept that their experience is real so you don’t invalidate your partner by thinking you can change them.
There’s nothing to change or improve; your partner is not broken, she or he is just different and it’s important to respect their experience. Denial won’t change reality, so the sooner you accept that they are asexual, the sooner you’ll be able to move forward and understand.
2- Don’t Take It Personal:
As I mentioned before, asexuality is not a choice. That means your partner’s lack of sexual attraction is not about you, the way you look, or the way they feel about you, so don’t take it personally.
If your boyfriend is asexual, he was born that way and it has nothing to do with you. The truth is, your boyfriend loves you for who you are and he is attracted to you in every other way, that’s something you need to remember and value.
In our society, we are taught to place so much value on sex and being sexy. As a result, encountering an asexual partner can make us feel insecure or inadequate, especially when we don’t have a proper understanding of what asexuality means. Sexual attraction is not the only kind of attraction and it’s certainly not the most important one.
3- Avoid Pressuring or Blaming Your Boyfriend:
Pressuring anyone about sex is unhealthy in any kind of relationship, so that’s the last thing you want to do. Asexual people who are in relationships with sexual partners feel the pressure already because there’s a lot of stigma surrounding asexuality.
We have been taught to believe it is not normal or natural to not feel sexual attraction. However, it’s important to break that cycle.
Pressuring your partner won’t make any difference because they simply can’t control the way they feel. Put yourself in their shoes, how would you feel if someone pressured you into having sex or doing something you don’t want to do? Crossing sexual boundaries is never okay.
4- Communicate Openly:
Though it’s important to avoid pressuring your asexual boyfriend, it’s also important to communicate openly. Everyone needs to be clear about their sexual boundaries and sexual needs, so it’s vital to create a safe space for communication.
It’s not easy for asexual people to talk about these things without feeling pressure, so make sure to tell them that you just want to understand.
Talking about your sex life as a couple is about understanding each other’s needs, and boundaries, and determining what is and isn’t working for you guys. It’s a learning process; you are learning to understand their asexuality and they are learning to understand your sexuality. Together, you can find a middle ground to address sexual needs while avoiding entitlement or the idea that they owe you sex.
5- Be ready to make compromises:
Finding the middle ground between sexual needs and sexual boundaries can be tricky and it sometimes requires a little creativity. If you have an asexual boyfriend, some kind of compromise needs to be made. Remember that asexuality exists on a spectrum, so certain people do find their partners sexually willing and active and act on it, while others compromise and only have sex with their asexual partner from time to time.
Every asexual person experiences asexuality differently, which is why it’s important to communicate openly and honestly about it. In some cases, couples decide to try open or non-monogamous relationships to see if that works for them. Other options include connecting in other ways or trying different forms of intimacy to find that sexual fulfillment together.
Either way, you don’t have to stick to a traditional relationship if that’s not working for you. You can create your rules together and craft the kind of relationship that works for you both.
As long as you are both comfortable, there shouldn’t be a problem. However, it may take a lot of trial and error, but it will be worth it in the end.