No one likes to acknowledge the role they played in hurting someone else’s feelings. It can bring lingering feelings of shame and guilt, which aren’t exactly the best emotions to feel. In healthy relationships, couples are able to acknowledge the pain they’ve caused one another and resolve it in a timely manner.
Resolving the issue in a timely manner is crucial to rebuilding your bond and moving forward in a meaningful way. However, what happens when your partner becomes angry during even the gentlest confrontation?
What to Do If Your Husband Gets mad When You Tell Him He hurt Your Feelings?
1. Identify The source and Degree of his Anger:
Our inner defense mechanisms also recognize how awful shame and guilt feel. They may cause us to do all sorts of mental gymnastics to avoid the weight of these emotions or actively fight back against them.
One of the most common defense mechanisms is anger, which can escalate to rage. In fight-or-flight mode, anger is an attempt to neutralize the threat being presented. Once we neutralize the threat, we regain our sense of control, which makes us feel safe again. The angry behavior is merely a response to some kind of fear.
A significant fear in relationships is the fear of abandonment. Relationships, no matter how strong, still have an element of vulnerability about them that, if not reassured and quieted, can cause feelings of doubt and insecurity. When we are wrapped up in this doubt, we become tense, constantly on edge, and ready to fight for dear life or run away from it.
Anger, in and of itself, is not necessarily a bad emotion. It can be an internal indicator of our boundaries being crossed or that something is not sitting well with us. However, if we do not get this anger out in an appropriate way, we will find other ways to release it in our lives.
If your husband becomes mad, furious, or rageful when you express your hurt feelings to him, this could be indicative of a much bigger problem. If you’re honestly and kindly expressing your pain with your partner, they should be able to take your concerns in good faith. Accusatory, blaming, or shaming reactions are unfair. Throwing things, punching walls, or hitting are unacceptable and unsafe behaviors.
The consequences of unaddressed explosive rage are tremendous. Unchecked rage can lead to problems with blood pressure, anxiety, depression, and heart problems. It can escalate to issues with the law and broken relationships if not addressed properly.
2. Help him get Anger Management Support:
A common belief about anger management is that it can only be given through court mandate after run-ins with the law. Another common belief is that therapy is separate from anger management. These are misconceptions.
Anger management treatment can be given as a group or taken individually. The overarching goal of anger management is to educate the angry person on what sets them off, why it sets them off, and to help them identify the mental and physical changes that lead to their explosive anger. The escalation from tolerable anger to uncontrollable rage behaviors can happen extremely quickly.
Slowing down and watching the changes take place step-by-step can help the angry person see that a change is happening, one that they are empowered to take control of and stop. Anger management also helps the angry person decide on better, healthier coping mechanisms and outlets for their anger to help them resolve the building tension.
3. Addressing Your Safety:
You should never fear your spouse. Ideally, they are a safe space for you to voice your feelings and concerns, but even if they are not an ideal person to share your feelings with, you should not ever be afraid of what they might do to you, your livelihood, or your children.
Intimidation is an abusive behavior. If your husband frightens you, you may need professional help in addressing your situation. Please, prioritize your safety and seek help when you can.
Help for domestic violence is available at 800-799-7233.
How to Help Your Husband Address His Anger?
If your husband is amenable to a conversation about how his anger impacts the family, have that conversation with him. Use clear, easy-to-understand language and ask him to reflect back on what he heard you say. Many times, we do not realize that we have started the internal ticking time bomb with our partner until they have already exploded. Take the conversation slowly and make sure there is no misunderstanding or misrepresentation of thoughts. Check in frequently to gauge tensions and emotions with your spouse. Help your partner understand the effects that his anger is having on your marriage and the family at large. Give him plenty of chances to explain himself.
If you are not able to make any headway with your spouse regarding his anger, you might want to seek couples therapy. The therapist will help both you and your husband articulate your emotions in a way that is understandable to the other person. They will help you gain insights into why arguments escalate to such a tense place and coach you as to how to better resolve them. They should advocate for both members of the dynamic, working to help you work together as a team rather than as two warring parties.
If your husband gets mad when you tell him that he’s hurt your feelings, he may be trying to cope with his own distress in an unhealthy way. If you are able, an open, gentle, and vulnerable conversation about seeking help for his anger can go a long way. Of course, you know your spouse and your situation best. Prioritize your safety. With treatment, your husband can improve his handle on anger and you can begin to rebuild your strength as a couple.